There are a collection of demons that live on my shoulders, or at least, they spend a lot of time hanging out on them.

They're noisy too.

Most of the time they're noisy in a fairly general kind of way, like the background chatter in a crowded pub, you can't hear anything coherent in the sound except for the occasional word or two that doesn't seem to relate to anything. It's a bit more effort to make yourself heard over this, but it's possible to do without too much difficulty.

This is the least annoying level of my infestation.

Sometimes it's worse than this though. Sometimes the crowded pub is full of people talking about me. I can't ever make out most of it, but there are overheard snatches, that are quite clearly directed at me. "...don't know why he bothers...", "...hasn't got a clue...", "...can't even get a job...".

As I move towards the source of these conversational kicks to the shins, the demons go quiet and affect to have been not talking at all, they all have the faces of people I have worked with in the past. When I move back out into the crowd, they snigger and sneer behind me.

It gets worse than this as well.

On really bad days, I get the whisperer following me everywhere, putting ideas in my head every so often. When I turn round to confront this one, I am never able to catch it, it is always behind me, unreachable.

The whisperer speaks, quietly, but clearly, voice cutting through the background pub noise of the other demons. "There's no real reason why you shouldn't end it all", "If you were any sort of a man, you wouldn't put up with that", "Why do you even try? No-one ever notices, or even cares what you do".

Still, even the whisperer isn't the worst of the bunch.

By far the most distracting, and upsetting pair of the whole lot are the screamers though.

They sit on my shoulders, one either side, like bookends of hate and malice. They have the faces of people I knew at school for the most part. Their features melt and shift, between those of the bullies and those of ineffectual teachers who made school a daily hell for me.

They scream at the top of their voices, barely stifling the laughter as they shout humiliations into my ears. "FUCKIN' HELL! WHAT A WANKER!", "YOU SHOULD JUST JUMP UNDER THAT BUS!", "HA-HA-HA!! YOU CAN'T BLOCK US OUT BY PUTTING YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR EARS!", "LOSER!", "WEAKLING!", "LOOK, LOOK! HE'S GONNA CRY! WHAT A FUCKIN' GIRL!".

Those days are the worst.

Trying to block them out is impossible. Their constant tirades are deeply tiring and concentrating on anything is a fruitless endeavour. I can't even escape into sleep, they are that loud. If I'm lucky, I'll basically pass out for a while, and shut them up that way.

Medicine makes them quiescent for periods of time, but also makes it hard to function at all usefully. The chatter is replaced with the white noise of static, like a de-tuned radio. This is a relief at first, but quickly becomes as tiresome as the demons, with the added disadvantage of being unable to think clearly, of constantly knowing you were going to do...something...if only you could remember what.

My mind is infested with demons, they hang out on my shoulders making a nuisance of themselves.

Today was a difficult day, but I've had worse.

UPDATE : 28/11/2011 The screamers paid me a visit this afternoon. I feel sick. I hate myself. for being this way.....